self pity/a stupid and pointless blather
any advice for what to do when you’re tired of yourself? i feel like i cant succeed with the simplist of things. i have been divorced for almost a year, seperated for about 2 yrs before that- i don’t feel like i have accomplished anything. i was trying to take care of my dad and ran out of money. i am in debt. my dog got into my tenant’s herb bed tonight while i was out, and a neighbor called to complain about my dog barking. i got burned by a friend whose car i bought and the very day i drove it, the clutch went completely and i had to get it towed/a new 800 clutch job. she isn’t returning my calls. i don’t have kids. i just feel like a waste. when i see my husband once or twice a year, he cries, so i never feel angry with him or tell him how i feel. i end up telling him not to worry, things are fine im fine, he shouldn’t feel guilty. but then later, i am left with anger and saddness and he seems happy with his life and girlfriend. i don’t begrudge him that. but it reminds me that i failed. his new girlfriend is like me, only she accomplishes things. things i only talk about. i don’t know why i don’t take more action. why don’t i write those articles i said i would, call those people, act like a normal person. sometimes i wish society eliminated people like me. i don’t want my sister or family to be sad, but sometimes i fantasize about getting in a car accident nd going instantly. i have had a new boyfriend for a year, but am realizing that, though i feel comfortable, i am not in love with him the way i was with my husband. if i were religious, i could join a convent. i wonder if the peace corp would take me. i just want to get out and call it quits to the life i was trying to have- homeowner and the dog. i failed and i want out. if i weren’t 37 i’d want to go to the nursing home and wait for some nurse to roll me out into the yard and ill drool till i stop breathing. have others felt this way? i have been up and down, mostly up, but somehow ive slpped down the past month to the point where i just want to be eliminated.
