Acceptance, Grief, How to Cope With Pain
It’s been a couple of weeks since I last had contact with exABF. It’s been hell emotionally. I told him last I called, that I forgave him for the drunk calls, and was praying for him. I hung up. That was it. Now, like I posted before, I get to clean up the mess he made. He hasn’t called me since then. I think he KNOWS he messed up. I wonder if he cares, or is capable of sorrow for messing up. I have so many questions in my mind, and heart. I forgave for my sake, to protect myself from bitterness, not because he deserved it. But I am so hurt, angry, sad. The past 7 days, I haven’t been able to stop crying (well yeah, I stopped for work, amazingly I did great with work, my best week in a long time with work). I accept that he’s a very sick person, with the coping skills of a 15 year old at best. I accept that he doesn’t want to change; he doesn’t want to get well (although I still hope…)
Grief:
My phone doesn’t ring anymore. No more good morning or good night calls. No more drunken calls either, but no good calls. No nothing. See, at this point, I have no friends. I had a couple, like literally, but I had to let them go (too). So, I cry and cry. I tell myself that although I feel it’s his fault that I’m lonely, it’s not his fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not a fault. The ACOA in me is always looking for the ‘fault’, and usually, I end up blaming myself for it all. I know intellectually things…I’ve learned SO VERY MUCH coming here, reading, posting, learning. But my heart is breaking to pieces even as I type, and I feel nobody cares, because life has to go on, bills have to be paid, etc. But I’ve called depression hot line, been told I have the right to grieve. I know how to ‘be good to myself’, but it doesn’t stop the feeling of deep pain, deep loss. I will always be sorry about this loss, about why we couldn’t, or can’t be together. I will move on to another man in time, but my heart will always be broken about this man.
How to Cope:
How do I make the pain stop? I tell myself all the reasons why it couldn’t have worked, that he lied, manipulated, that he probably used me, but that there was a little ‘love’ mixed in there also. I tell myself life is complicated, people are complicated, love is complicated. Although there might have been some genuine emotion for me (and I believe so), he could never maintain it (what with his mood swings and all), and how much of his being with me was just about "proving a point", that he could "have" me, that he could have a girlfriend, despite what people in his life may have thought, despite what the voices in his head were telling him.
Anyway, heartbreak sucks, addiction REALLY sucks. I’ve never experienced heartbreak from dating an addict. It’s all so senseless! And I’m powerless to do anything about it. The sunshine that came with him, in the end, wasn’t worth the storms. But those days and moments of sunshine made me so very happy. Now, life is like a peaceful, quiet, yet steady rain. That’s how I feel through my tears. How do I make the pain go away? How do I stop crying?
