Fighting with myself.
July 2nd, 2009But I’m not doing so well and I really need whatever yall have to offer.
I’ve set my boundaries in the past. I’ve made it clear what I will and will not accept. But it never much mattered to ABF, he would try most of the time to respect them. Or he’d twist them somewhat just enough to where I’d think I hadn’t been clear enough–sneaky twisting to a point (for example I said I wouldn’t be around him when he was drinking–for awhile he didn’t drink at all that day and we’d be together at night. Then he got to where he’d drink up until we were together and then he’d stop drinking).
Anyway. A few weeks ago I finally said enough was enough. I said everything I needed to say, asked him not to call or text or email me anymore. I gave no explanation, not really anyway. I simply said he crossed my boundaries for the last time, I couldn’t deal with it anymore and walked out the door. He called me the next night, asked if I was still his and I said "I don’t know". He started crying, tried to talk but couldn’t and ended up hanging up.
I balled my eyes out.
He sent an email about a week later. Said I was just trying to change him and it’s wrong of me to want him to quit drinking–because there’s nothing wrong with a man having a few beers just to be a man. I wrote back, said I was not trying to change him and I’m sorry he felt that way but I was tired of having my boundaries crossed and won’t be with someone who can’t respect my needs. I sent it, blocked his address from my email, logged off and bawled my eyes out.
A few days later he sent a text. Please come home baby I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. I deleted it.
Left a voice mail the next day. He was sober, I’m sure of it. He was crying, telling me how much I mean to him and how he needs me and the kids in his life and there’s no reason to keep going if we’re not there. He was sorry for all he’d done and all he wanted was a chance to make up for those mistakes. I deleted the voice mail, hung up and bawled my eyes out.
Several more similar voice mails. Usually followed a few hours later with something along the lines of since I’m too busy to answer his calls or return his messages then I can come get my stuff from his house and never come back again and I better hope I come alone and he never sees me with another guy. Delete, delete, delete. (I have ordered a new cell plan, got the phone today, service will be activated within 72 hours and at that time I’ll disconnect my old phone). My cell is the only phone I have.
He told me once that I just see the "bad" times and think they were because he was drinking so these boundaries are just stupid and my way of wanting to make him my b**ch and be who I want him to be. That I’ve just told myself so many times that our problems were because of his drinking so now when he is drinking I just automatically assume the worst (I actually told him about a month ago that was good to know–when he puts it that way it just tells me he’s an ass all the time, drinking or not). That didn’t go over too well.
I love him. And I want to be with him. But it’s so hard to trust him anymore. Even when I want to I don’t. Even when I think I can I choose not to. And he blames me.
So why do I still feel so guilty?? I can give reason after reason after reason to convince myself that what I’m doing is right but once I do it I feel so guilty. Like I’m giving up on someone who really needs help!!! But I can’t do it anymore!!! I’m not as awful a person as he makes me out to be. We’ve had some good conversations over the years, and I guess a part of me misses them. A part of me misses the good times, the happy memories. But the bad ones are outweighing the good ones and I guess because of that I feel like I’m wrong for ignoring him, even when he’s trying to be nice.
Am I? I feel like if I respond to him, when he’s sober and being "nice" and all is well it’s going to almost tell him that we’re okay and I’M sorry for thinking so bad about his drinking and almost agreeing that it’s not HIM who has a drinking problem it’s ME who has a problem with his drinking (oh yeah, heard that one a million and two times). And I don’t want him to think that, because it’s not true (not for me).
Sorry for writing so much. I guess I just want someone to tell me I’m right or I’m wrong–I don’t much care either way. Cause right now accepting his calls doesn’t sound like the right thing but ignoring his calls doesn’t feel like the right thing either. It feels like either way I’m giving up–either on him or on myself. If I take his calls, I’ve given up on myself. If I keep ignoring his calls, I’ve given up on helping someone who really needs it.
They said my cell would change WITHIN 72 hours. I hope it’s real darn quick; otherwise the next three days are going to be really hard.
